So here I am, back from the dead, blogging once more. It has been almost
2 years since I posted anything new on this blog. I added a few articles below that I wrote a few months ago and posted on Facebook, but other than that, this is the first conscious injection. A lot has changed in my life since those early posts... I'm living in Vancouver now, free and strange and new and more independent than I've ever been. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional strain over the past 10 months in particular, and am feeling faster and better and stronger than ever, and grateful for the hard lessons I've learned.
But I can't deny that life is still a struggle sometimes... I don't know if it's because of my age and the fact that I am trying to figure out so many aspects of my life all at once, but it seems that so much is changing so frequently, in the world at large and in my own world, that I am definitely noticing a lack of stability. Total stability can be nice and comfortable, but not always the best garden to grow in. I have learned to enjoy the change sometimes. It signals something new and possibly better coming down the line, new discoveries about myself and the world and even other people.
I have this feeling... of being suspended in mid-air, as if floating in the middle of a giant wire sphere of interconnecting rings, watching this universe spin wildly around me, each ring representing an aspect of my life, past, present and future. All the while I am sort of disconnected from these events, yet I am feeling acutely the firing of every synapse. Any concept or question of "truth" is entirely intangible, beyond my grasp and frustrating, as is the question "Is this the right way to go?"
So I sit at a crossroads. I care passionately about a lot of things, but in the end, I have ONE major passion in life and TWO methods of pursuing that passion that would truly make me happy, and I am struggling to figure out which direction to head in. At the same time, I keep hoping that as the days pass, things will fall into place, more information will be revealed to me and I will be given a sign or have an intuitive feeling as to which direction to go.
My natural inclination towards being a deeply compassionate humanitarian and speaking out against social injustice has always been my true passion in life. I have pursued this passion through different avenues, but at this point in my life, I know that very soon I will want to buckle down and set my sights on something bigger, something I can put my whole heart and soul in to, something that will affect other people's lives and the world at large in a positive way.
So at the very least, I can define what my passion in life is, which is a thing some people struggle their whole lives to do, and for that tiny but significant gift I am very grateful. But now I am stuck at this point of decision. I know that when I pour my energy into something, I can be wildly successful. When I set my mind to something, I push through until the end and I take major risks to get there. I have the energy and determination to make it happen, but the only frustration is that I can't quite decide what to put that energy into...
On the one hand... I want to read, write and educate people about issues that are important to the survival and well-being of our species and the entire planet as a whole. I want to be involved in methods of affecting real change on a social and political level on a global scale. I want to work in the field and literally get my hands dirty in the effort to support those who are suffering. Following this path, I could go to UBC to study International Relations, which I would love to do and will only take me 2 years since I already have a bachelor's, and then I would complete a Masters in Toronto in about a year. Once I had my Masters, I could then work for the UN or pretty much any government organization or NGO that my little heart desired, with the right ambition and dedication. Even better, I could do something independently and start my own little world of change, growing upward from there. I could get into journalism, write books, work from the inside out to affect real change on a policy level. All of these things would inspire me and make me happy...
Then on the other hand... the second love of mine is filmmaking, specifically documentaries. At this point in the game, I have a BFA in film production and a nugget of experience under my belt, but so much indecision as to how, where and when to pursue a career in documentary filmmaking, and more importantly, if that's really what I want to do, if that will make me the most happy. I mean, I am currently working in television and am gaining more experience and meeting many people in the film and TV industry, and given time I could pursue this passion with everything I have and be successful in my efforts. I could have the freedom to be creative with my thoughts and innovative in my approach to the genre, and at the same time educate people and bring awareness to important issues, through a medium that reaches wide audiences from many different backgrounds, another possible 'dream come true' for me.
I suppose it comes down the fact that right now I just can't seem to decide what I want to pour my energy into. I am admittedly fearful of making the "wrong" decision, as if this decision is the only one I'll ever be able to make in my life and that once I decide, I will be past the point of no return. It seems silly, but that fear lingers, because either one of these methods of pursuing my passion are going to take a lot of my time and energy, and I worry that I will pick the wrong one and pour years of blood, sweat, tears and money into it and then wish I hadn't made that decision, and even worse, have to start all over again. Is that crazy?? I mean, I could change my mind in 5 years and want something entirely different, I do have that option, but I don't want that to happen. I guess that's just a pretty accurate reflection of who I am; I just want a clean cut answer.
We talk so much about the "future" and how we want things to be "then" or what we have to change in the present to make our ideals of the future a tangible reality. But in order to reach the future, we have to support those in the present, in a different way then we are doing now; our attitudes need adjusting. I worry that in our obssession with global warming, ecological disaster and alternative energy, all in an effort to protect our future and the future of the earth, we may be forgetting about the people who are suffering right now. I recently attended a lecture given by Stephen Lewis, about Canada's foreign aid policy and it's affect on children. He spoke of Canadian contribution and how, out of every country in the G8, our contribution to foreign aid has actually declined instead of increased, as it was supposed to. He described a lot of horrible things he had seen and experienced, and it moved me to tears right there in the lecture hall, but more than anything it renewed my dedication to get deeply involved in the careful and committed healing of people and this planet.
Now I just have to figure out which toolbox to work from.
One thing is for sure. Our world is changing so fast it's hard to keep up to the tangible reality of it all, let alone the enormous subliminal expectations that come along with everything we are exposed to on a daily basis. We are living in a time unlike anything recorded in history, a time in which ideologies, information and media are produced and passed around at lightning speed, and our lives are mostly a focus on doing rather than being. (But more on that later.)
I guess every girl just needs to find her own way, and make sure that she leaves a trail of bread crumbs, or better yet pebbles, so she can navigate her way home when she gets lost.
But I can't deny that life is still a struggle sometimes... I don't know if it's because of my age and the fact that I am trying to figure out so many aspects of my life all at once, but it seems that so much is changing so frequently, in the world at large and in my own world, that I am definitely noticing a lack of stability. Total stability can be nice and comfortable, but not always the best garden to grow in. I have learned to enjoy the change sometimes. It signals something new and possibly better coming down the line, new discoveries about myself and the world and even other people.
I have this feeling... of being suspended in mid-air, as if floating in the middle of a giant wire sphere of interconnecting rings, watching this universe spin wildly around me, each ring representing an aspect of my life, past, present and future. All the while I am sort of disconnected from these events, yet I am feeling acutely the firing of every synapse. Any concept or question of "truth" is entirely intangible, beyond my grasp and frustrating, as is the question "Is this the right way to go?"
So I sit at a crossroads. I care passionately about a lot of things, but in the end, I have ONE major passion in life and TWO methods of pursuing that passion that would truly make me happy, and I am struggling to figure out which direction to head in. At the same time, I keep hoping that as the days pass, things will fall into place, more information will be revealed to me and I will be given a sign or have an intuitive feeling as to which direction to go.
My natural inclination towards being a deeply compassionate humanitarian and speaking out against social injustice has always been my true passion in life. I have pursued this passion through different avenues, but at this point in my life, I know that very soon I will want to buckle down and set my sights on something bigger, something I can put my whole heart and soul in to, something that will affect other people's lives and the world at large in a positive way.
So at the very least, I can define what my passion in life is, which is a thing some people struggle their whole lives to do, and for that tiny but significant gift I am very grateful. But now I am stuck at this point of decision. I know that when I pour my energy into something, I can be wildly successful. When I set my mind to something, I push through until the end and I take major risks to get there. I have the energy and determination to make it happen, but the only frustration is that I can't quite decide what to put that energy into...
On the one hand... I want to read, write and educate people about issues that are important to the survival and well-being of our species and the entire planet as a whole. I want to be involved in methods of affecting real change on a social and political level on a global scale. I want to work in the field and literally get my hands dirty in the effort to support those who are suffering. Following this path, I could go to UBC to study International Relations, which I would love to do and will only take me 2 years since I already have a bachelor's, and then I would complete a Masters in Toronto in about a year. Once I had my Masters, I could then work for the UN or pretty much any government organization or NGO that my little heart desired, with the right ambition and dedication. Even better, I could do something independently and start my own little world of change, growing upward from there. I could get into journalism, write books, work from the inside out to affect real change on a policy level. All of these things would inspire me and make me happy...
Then on the other hand... the second love of mine is filmmaking, specifically documentaries. At this point in the game, I have a BFA in film production and a nugget of experience under my belt, but so much indecision as to how, where and when to pursue a career in documentary filmmaking, and more importantly, if that's really what I want to do, if that will make me the most happy. I mean, I am currently working in television and am gaining more experience and meeting many people in the film and TV industry, and given time I could pursue this passion with everything I have and be successful in my efforts. I could have the freedom to be creative with my thoughts and innovative in my approach to the genre, and at the same time educate people and bring awareness to important issues, through a medium that reaches wide audiences from many different backgrounds, another possible 'dream come true' for me.
I suppose it comes down the fact that right now I just can't seem to decide what I want to pour my energy into. I am admittedly fearful of making the "wrong" decision, as if this decision is the only one I'll ever be able to make in my life and that once I decide, I will be past the point of no return. It seems silly, but that fear lingers, because either one of these methods of pursuing my passion are going to take a lot of my time and energy, and I worry that I will pick the wrong one and pour years of blood, sweat, tears and money into it and then wish I hadn't made that decision, and even worse, have to start all over again. Is that crazy?? I mean, I could change my mind in 5 years and want something entirely different, I do have that option, but I don't want that to happen. I guess that's just a pretty accurate reflection of who I am; I just want a clean cut answer.
We talk so much about the "future" and how we want things to be "then" or what we have to change in the present to make our ideals of the future a tangible reality. But in order to reach the future, we have to support those in the present, in a different way then we are doing now; our attitudes need adjusting. I worry that in our obssession with global warming, ecological disaster and alternative energy, all in an effort to protect our future and the future of the earth, we may be forgetting about the people who are suffering right now. I recently attended a lecture given by Stephen Lewis, about Canada's foreign aid policy and it's affect on children. He spoke of Canadian contribution and how, out of every country in the G8, our contribution to foreign aid has actually declined instead of increased, as it was supposed to. He described a lot of horrible things he had seen and experienced, and it moved me to tears right there in the lecture hall, but more than anything it renewed my dedication to get deeply involved in the careful and committed healing of people and this planet.
Now I just have to figure out which toolbox to work from.
One thing is for sure. Our world is changing so fast it's hard to keep up to the tangible reality of it all, let alone the enormous subliminal expectations that come along with everything we are exposed to on a daily basis. We are living in a time unlike anything recorded in history, a time in which ideologies, information and media are produced and passed around at lightning speed, and our lives are mostly a focus on doing rather than being. (But more on that later.)
I guess every girl just needs to find her own way, and make sure that she leaves a trail of bread crumbs, or better yet pebbles, so she can navigate her way home when she gets lost.
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