Back from the dead... with conviction?

So here I am, back from the dead, blogging once more. It has been almost

2 years since I posted anything new on this blog. I added a few articles below that I wrote a few months ago and posted on Facebook, but other than that, this is the first conscious injection. A lot has changed in my life since those early posts... I'm living in Vancouver now, free and strange and new and more independent than I've ever been. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional strain over the past 10 months in particular, and am feeling faster and better and stronger than ever, and grateful for the hard lessons I've learned.

But I can't deny that life is still a struggle sometimes... I don't know if it's because of my age and the fact that I am trying to figure out so many aspects of my life all at once, but it seems that so much is changing so frequently, in the world at large and in my own world, that I am definitely noticing a lack of stability. Total stability can be nice and comfortable, but not always the best garden to grow in. I have learned to enjoy the change sometimes. It signals something new and possibly better coming down the line, new discoveries about myself and the world and even other people.

I have this feeling... of being suspended in mid-air, as if floating in the middle of a giant wire sphere of interconnecting rings, watching this universe spin wildly around me, each ring representing an aspect of my life, past, present and future. All the while I am sort of disconnected from these events, yet I am feeling acutely the firing of every synapse. Any concept or question of "truth" is entirely intangible, beyond my grasp and frustrating, as is the question "Is this the right way to go?"

So I sit at a crossroads. I care passionately about a lot of things, but in the end, I have ONE major passion in life and TWO methods of pursuing that passion that would truly make me happy, and I am struggling to figure out which direction to head in. At the same time, I keep hoping that as the days pass, things will fall into place, more information will be revealed to me and I will be given a sign or have an intuitive feeling as to which direction to go.

My natural inclination towards being a deeply compassionate humanitarian and speaking out against social injustice has always been my true passion in life. I have pursued this passion through different avenues, but at this point in my life, I know that very soon I will want to buckle down and set my sights on something bigger, something I can put my whole heart and soul in to, something that will affect other people's lives and the world at large in a positive way.

So at the very least, I can define what my passion in life is, which is a thing some people struggle their whole lives to do, and for that tiny but significant gift I am very grateful. But now I am stuck at this point of decision. I know that when I pour my energy into something, I can be wildly successful. When I set my mind to something, I push through until the end and I take major risks to get there. I have the energy and determination to make it happen, but the only frustration is that I can't quite decide what to put that energy into...

On the one hand... I want to read, write and educate people about issues that are important to the survival and well-being of our species and the entire planet as a whole. I want to be involved in methods of affecting real change on a social and political level on a global scale. I want to work in the field and literally get my hands dirty in the effort to support those who are suffering. Following this path, I could go to UBC to study International Relations, which I would love to do and will only take me 2 years since I already have a bachelor's, and then I would complete a Masters in Toronto in about a year. Once I had my Masters, I could then work for the UN or pretty much any government organization or NGO that my little heart desired, with the right ambition and dedication. Even better, I could do something independently and start my own little world of change, growing upward from there. I could get into journalism, write books, work from the inside out to affect real change on a policy level. All of these things would inspire me and make me happy...

Then on the other hand... the second love of mine is filmmaking, specifically documentaries. At this point in the game, I have a BFA in film production and a nugget of experience under my belt, but so much indecision as to how, where and when to pursue a career in documentary filmmaking, and more importantly, if that's really what I want to do, if that will make me the most happy. I mean, I am currently working in television and am gaining more experience and meeting many people in the film and TV industry, and given time I could pursue this passion with everything I have and be successful in my efforts. I could have the freedom to be creative with my thoughts and innovative in my approach to the genre, and at the same time educate people and bring awareness to important issues, through a medium that reaches wide audiences from many different backgrounds, another possible 'dream come true' for me.

I suppose it comes down the fact that right now I just can't seem to decide what I want to pour my energy into. I am admittedly fearful of making the "wrong" decision, as if this decision is the only one I'll ever be able to make in my life and that once I decide, I will be past the point of no return. It seems silly, but that fear lingers, because either one of these methods of pursuing my passion are going to take a lot of my time and energy, and I worry that I will pick the wrong one and pour years of blood, sweat, tears and money into it and then wish I hadn't made that decision, and even worse, have to start all over again. Is that crazy?? I mean, I could change my mind in 5 years and want something entirely different, I do have that option, but I don't want that to happen. I guess that's just a pretty accurate reflection of who I am; I just want a clean cut answer.

We talk so much about the "future" and how we want things to be "then" or what we have to change in the present to make our ideals of the future a tangible reality. But in order to reach the future, we have to support those in the present, in a different way then we are doing now; our attitudes need adjusting. I worry that in our obssession with global warming, ecological disaster and alternative energy, all in an effort to protect our future and the future of the earth, we may be forgetting about the people who are suffering right now. I recently attended a lecture given by Stephen Lewis, about Canada's foreign aid policy and it's affect on children. He spoke of Canadian contribution and how, out of every country in the G8, our contribution to foreign aid has actually declined instead of increased, as it was supposed to. He described a lot of horrible things he had seen and experienced, and it moved me to tears right there in the lecture hall, but more than anything it renewed my dedication to get deeply involved in the careful and committed healing of people and this planet.

Now I just have to figure out which toolbox to work from.

One thing is for sure. Our world is changing so fast it's hard to keep up to the tangible reality of it all, let alone the enormous subliminal expectations that come along with everything we are exposed to on a daily basis. We are living in a time unlike anything recorded in history, a time in which ideologies, information and media are produced and passed around at lightning speed, and our lives are mostly a focus on doing rather than being. (But more on that later.)

I guess every girl just needs to find her own way, and make sure that she leaves a trail of bread crumbs, or better yet pebbles, so she can navigate her way home when she gets lost.

Change is upon us (originally written April 25, 2008)

Do you ever have those periods of time when so many related issues pop up over the course of a day or two, somewhat out of the blue, that it seems like they must be connected somehow, strung together by a thin, silvery metaphysical thread? They carry you along in a way, they bring you mentally to a place you need to be, they show you something you need to see at that exact moment in time, as clearly as possible. The last 24 hours of my life have been like that, and it has caused me to reach a point of deep revelation that to some degree, I was silently aware of all along, and admittedly a bit terrified of.

It all began yesterday morning.

Well, that’s not entirely true. It had been popping up in a few tiny moments over the last week or so, though at the time I didn’t quite make the connection. During the past 2 weeks when I had stepped out to grab lunch a couple of times, I had gone to this deli in Gastown called The Social. (They make these amazing sandwiches on these huge, round discs of fresh baked bread, and they’re incredible.) There was a note on the chalkboard menu the last few times I’d been there, warning customers that the price of flour had shot up so high, the price of the sandwiches was going to go up soon to compensate for this. I noticed it and pondered why for a few moments, but mentally didn’t make a connection at the time to anything else.

So even though I noticed this issue with rising food costs and had raised an eyebrow to it, the real vortex that sucked me into the thought process that is now churning out this message began yesterday.

The receptionist at the studio where I work, a good friend of mine, was poking around on the internet, reading up on the latest global news (as she usually does), and she found this article on CBC that stated World Vision was cutting aid for 1.5 million people, because of the rising cost of food.

http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2008/04/23/worldvision-cut.html?ref=rss

Essentially World Vision will be forced to cut 1.5 million people from the 7.5 million it fed last year, a third of them children, because food has become so expensive. Why has it become so expensive? Because there’s a huge shortage of it, specifically food staples, like rice and wheat. Why is there a shortage, you ask? Because humans are selfish, narcissistic consumers. *ahem* But in other (nicer) words, “The rising cost of oil and fertilizer, more fields being used to produce corn for ethanol, drought in Australia and changing food consumption patterns have all contributed to the current crisis” [CBC.ca]. Rice production has declined because of low yield crops in Thailand, the world’s largest rice exporter, which in itself is a result of weather changes (read: global warming) and the long predicted backlash of "the U.S sponsored 'Green Revolution' in the 1960s and 70s that promoted the mono-culture craze. Cash crops like rice were grown with massive amounts of pesticides, fertilizers and water to support seeds developed for high yields while ignoring their nutritional value and their resistance to insects and blight. Agro-chemistry farming degrades the soil leading eventually to crop failure. That’s what has happened in Thailand. Insects keep developing resistance to pesticides." [Mike Carr]

"The hungry are resourceful, they'll do what they have to, but it's going to take human life, there's no question about that," World Vision Canada president Dave Toycen told CBC News on Wednesday. There’s no question? Really? So what we have here is a guaranteed, unnecessary loss of life, which in my view (or in a perfect world) should only ever be expected to happen in a situation like open war between countries.

It was terrible and alarming news, but what made it even more anxiety-causing and eye-opening was the next link she sent me, which stood out in such contrast to the CBC article – a link to the site for Sir Richard Branson’s very own private island. Only $24,000 per week per couple! Golly, what a deal!!

http://www.neckerisland.com/

At this point, I’m struggling to hold back what I’d really like to say about Richard Branson’s god damn island and the people who spend $24,000 to stay there instead of using that grotesque amount of money for something not so self-indulgent, self-centered and entirely fleeting. But I’ll hold it in. For now. Because the larger issues here are more worthy of my energy and focus.

After I left the office yesterday, mulling this over in my mind, I went to visit a dear friend of mine, Dr. Mike Carr. Mike has been a professor at both SFU and UBC, and is currently running for the Green Party in East Van while teaching at SFU. During my time at SFU I studied with Mike, and it was a life-changing experience. He taught me about bioregionalism,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioregionalism

and our class became so close that we took weekend trips away together, to cabins on various islands off the coast (Denman, Maine, Gambier), little rustic things with no running water, heat or electricity; it was one of the most amazing times of my life. One of the members or our class, Chris, was extremely well-read and passionate about bioregionalism, which is essentially the concept and practice of “living in place”; the idea that we live within a bioregion (usually defined by the nearest local watershed), and we don’t take more from the earth than we need or more than the land can sustain. Bioregional living is entirely self-sustainable and community-based, and I don’t mean fake “Capers Market” community, where no one ever really talks to one another or sits up on a pedestal because they buy organic food, but real, village-style community, where children and families live and work together to produce goods for the community as a whole. Basically, the complete opposite of consumerism and the majority of Western culture. Wow, that sounds totally bitchy and cynical, but hey, it’s true.

Anyways, Chris was really passionate about sustainable living, and during the time we were in class together, he was expecting a son. This seemed to make him even more focused on making real change for the world and his child, simply by changing himself and his way of life, and educating others along the way. So Chris and his wife bought a piece of land in Sechelt with another couple who run a retreat there, and they grow their own grains and make their own bread, among other things, and teach and preach bioregionalism, living “off the grid” as much as they possibly can. Some of you might be thinking that seems cliché and/or “hippie-ish”, but if you can put aside your immediate judgment, it’s really just a conscious choice that Chris and others like him have made because they take the plight of this planet seriously and want to practice what they believe in.

While I was visiting Mike, he told me that he had taken another class of his on a field trip to the retreat in Sechelt run by the couple that shares land with Chris and his family. A student of Mike’s made a video of that trip, and we watched it last night.

As I was watching the film, I started to really think about all of these things as a whole… I find we are so used to experiencing “the world” only within the realm of our own personal lives, that we so often don’t take the time to look upwards and outwards to see how all of these things are connected on a grander scale. Watching Chris teach Mike’s students about bioregionalism and showing them that it was entirely possible to live like that, I was struck by the realization of what we were really asking people to do…

I listened to Chris speak to them about the “myth of abundance”, the idea that we have so much food at our disposal, especially in North America, when in reality we don’t, because our methods of farming and harvesting are completely unsustainable and fully vulnerable to our own self-created and ever-worsening climate change problems. I watched them grinding grain for bread in Chris’ “Radical Grains” workshop, and I thought to myself, “God, that would take a hell of a lot of time in a day… to live like that day in and day out, making your own food, heat, water, living sustainably within a bioregion, without harming the earth somehow. How can we do that?” It resonated with me, because I realized that time itself is truly the most valuable commodity in the 21st century, and not because we’re all getting older and will eventually die, but because of what time actually represents. Time represents money, power and social status. Time represents material wealth, social advancement and the accumulation of material goods. Time is what we use to acquire all of these things – how on earth could I go to school, get a degree or two, work 12 – 16 hour days, climb the corporate ladder or any other current social or industrial system, make a name for myself, make enough money to buy a house, a car, summer property, a boat, a truck, RRSPs, if I’m spending most of my time just living sustainably? There are just not enough hours in the day. Ridiculously simple, but painfully true.

At that moment, everything suddenly came together in my brain… the rise in flour prices as part of my everyday existence going almost unnoticed, the articles about the global food crisis, Necker Island, Richard Branson, Mike Carr, bioregionalism, Chris and his family in Sechelt, waking up to the radio this morning to news coverage about the global food crisis.And in the middle of that simple hand-held video, I understood the biggest challenge that we face at this point as a society, the basic foundations of this chafing conflict between how we live now and how we must change.When we talk about living sustainably, we are asking people to choose between worlds.

It’s not even so much a choice about giving up material things or the really comfortable lives most of us live, (though that is a painful reality that many would prefer to avoid), but a choice about our values. Since the industrial revolution and the rampant spread of capitalism, people have been conditioned from birth to value certain things that require a lot of our time, which is why my generation lives such busy lives and experiences unprecedented levels of stress and social pressure starting at such a young age. We are taught to value money, power and influence. We are taught to value social status. We are taught to value levels of higher education (which I don’t argue with, but which is often used to obtain money, power and social influence). Not everyone lives their life entirely governed by these ideals, but the problem is, the biggest consumers and those that contribute enormously to the issues we face as a global community are usually the biggest perpetuators of this system of values, myself included (I have the guts to admit this). If we choose to live sustainably, we have to give up on a lot of those values, and I truly believe that is what scares people the most. Essentially, we are asking people to completely overhaul and dispose of a faulty ideology that has heavily influenced, if not dictated, our life choices from the day we were born.

On a larger scale, we’re asking the Richard Branson’s of the world to reevaluate and even actually alter their entire existence and their attitude towards mind-numbing extravagance, selfish pleasure and the whole freakin’ world around them.

Pretty big choice to make, right? And that’s the root of the problem. We are left not only with a gaping hole in our mental perception of the world and our place in it, but in order to even get there we have to cut the apron strings of that past ideology and free fall into the great unknown. It’s fucking terrifying, to tell you the truth.

But if certainty is any comfort, I know this much is true. We can not co-exist in two separate worlds that will not survive the other. The system that capitalism and consumerism depends on and the system that human, plant and animal life depends on to live sustainably, absolutely can not function side by side, no matter how many lights we turn off or cars we quit driving. We have to choose, and we have to choose soon, without exception. It’s like Mike said in his speech at the Green Party forum, quoting the Hopi Indians: “We are the people we have been waiting for”. Though it would be nice to shrug it off and leave it for the next few generations to deal with, there is no one coming down the road after us that will be that much better or more capable of making change than we are. And frankly, there’s really no time left to mull it over.

Now, I know my good friend (and fellow passionate humanitarian and activist), Tara, might read this and say, “Katie, we need more positivity in these discussions. We need to know more about what we can do to make change and to feel like there’s not just constant negativity with these issues”, and I agree completely.

The purpose of this note is not to make people feel like the world is a big, terrible place with no hope for the future, but rather to make progress by encouraging people to really get to the guts of this issue, to the heart of the matter, if you will, to dig as deep as we can go to the spaces and places within us that hold these truths, the truths that we often deeply fear, to really find out if making this kind of change is something that we really, truly, honestly are willing to do.

If we can face head on this one major question, the question of choosing between worlds, if we can stand in the middle of that fear we all carry of the great unknown, of a society that is unlike anything we exist in presently, then we can see plainly in the light of day the hard truth about the society we have all created, and the truth within ourselves and the choices we make every day as individuals, because in the end, it is the recognition of that truth and the decisions we make following that recognition and understanding that will dictate whether or not we will be able to make these changes we so desperately need to make.

Because like it or not, ready or not, change is upon us…

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/politics/the-food-crisis-begins-to-bite-815437.html

It is time to choose. And in a way, that’s kind of exciting.

We are legend... but not as we wish to be.

On Saturday night, I settled in with a handful of friends to watch the film "I Am Legend" for the first time. I'd heard from a lot of people that this film was really good, so I was looking forward to it. I was worried that it might be gratuitously violent, and I avoid films like that at all costs. However, my good friend Sasha warned me that it wasn't really that violent, just "really, really scary". Yes, I'm a movie wimp, I'll admit it. However, that wasn't what struck me most about this film... something ran a little deeper and I felt the need to write about it.

As we were watching it, I wondered why a film like "I Am Legend" was appealing to me. I think because it has that eerie, lonesome, post-apocalyptic feel to it, which has always interested me... I find it fascinating to imagine what the world would be like if these events (or more realistic ones) ever actually happened, and to see how filmmakers would depict this world on screen. Call me twisted, but I also like to occasionally ponder just how far and deep the human heart can go, to the extent of the most isolating feelings of utter despair and loneliness that one human being could possibly withstand.

I found the opening of the film to be beautifully, morbidly haunting. I mentioned to the people I was watching it with that I thought it was interesting how the designers had allowed Mother Nature to make such a serious comeback after only 5 years - the grass was actually growing up through the concrete, there were wild animals running all around the city, all very encouraging stuff... the kind of stuff that makes you feel like our little planet could survive anything, and that Mother Earth will eventually just shake us off like an unwanted pest. However this is, of course, merely a cinematic illusion.

Movies appeal to people because of the deep emotions that they can stir within us, in any number of ways. The reason "I Am Legend" is so appealing on so many levels is because it caters to one of our major fantasies as a society (and I stress the word "fantasy"): that we will, as a species, manage to somehow heroically overcome the end of the world as we know it, in a blaze of glory and passion just as Will Smith does in "I Am Legend", and that the earth will spring back to life and heal herself and flourish once more. This movie in particular, and movies that are similar to this (Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, etc.), sort of allow us to drift off into la-la land and feel comforted, safe and secure about our future; they allow us to feel the way we really want to feel - invincible and strong - even though Hollywood and the real world are millions of miles apart. They allow us to believe that nature will indeed be able to overcome the extensive, severe (and in some cases irreparable) damage we have done to her, and that we really can save ourselves, if we just keep the faith, and struggle ever onwards.

But I beg to differ.

The end (or near end) of the real world, the world as you and I know it now, as opposed to the Hollywood world of "I Am Legend", will be much less flashy and romanticized. It will not culminate in a mass evacuation of Manhattan, as a deadly and unstoppable virus wreaks havoc upon millions of citizens. No, nature will not overcome concrete and reclaim the planet for her own as it was in the beginning of time, not as long as we rule this earth the way we do. Rather, the end will creep in quietly, slowly, as it is doing now, and we will largely ignore it for years to come, as we have for years past; in fact, we may not even have the mental capability to fully comprehend just how quickly devastation will be arriving at our door. The "apocalypse" of the 21st century will not star Will Smith, and there will be no computer graphics or dramatic rescue scenes - a virus that causes human beings to turn into blood thirsty non-human creatures of the night will most likely NOT be the cause of the end of our little world. No, it will be much less impressive with a lot less show and a lot less humour, which makes it seem rather pathetic that so many of us are still ignorant to these pressing issues. It's as if we need to be hit in the head with a brick before we look up and really accept the truth about that slow-moving but deadly snail that is creeping ever closer to us. We are so accustomed to "instant" everything - instant communication, instant results, instant food, instant coffee, instant LIFE - but the reality is, the effects of our misbehaviour on this planet are not happening "instantly" at all (which is kind of a sick joke played by nature); no, they are building up stone by stone, compounding over time, moving in slowly, but absolutely still promising to crush us eventually, no matter how slow the changes occur.

We would really like to believe that we are heroes or that we can be, that these horrible, predicted events (viral, ecological or otherwise) won't actually come to pass, while movies like this feed that illusion. I have to admit, it's gloriously indulgent to watch a movie like "I Am Legend" (which I did enjoy as a film), and feel inspired by the human spirit and imagine that we can overcome anything, against all odds. But this way of thinking can be so dangerous, because truthfully, it's foundations are made of sand.

The truth is, we are bringing about this end ourselves and have been ushering it in for years; it is moving in slowly, ever so slowly so that we might not even truly realize it until it is much too late. There are so many discussions and so much information being passed around in this century about global warming, and yet, much of our individual lives remain unchanged. David Suzuki wrote an article recently for "Common Ground", a small independent newspaper here in Vancouver, and it spoke so clearly and poignantly that I've included some of it here:

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From the article, "Kilroy was here", by David Suzuki*"

[...] it seems that we've entered a new epoch: a period of geological time usually reserved for distinguishing between massive periods of change on the planet. In this case, we've moved from the era that geologists call the Holocene, which has been this relatively stable period since the last ice age 10 to 12,000 years ago, to the Anthropocene, a time when human activities have become the dominating force of change on the planet.Changing epochs is not like changing your socks. In scientific terms, this is a big deal. Epochs tend to be delineated by periods of upheaval. Think ice ages and mass extinctions. When Nobel Prize-winning chemist Dr. Paul Krutzen brought up the idea back in 2000 and again in 2002, it was still considered pretty radical and somewhat impetuous for our little species to have its own epoch.But a team of scientists writing in a new paper in the journal GSA Today, published by the Geological Society of America, now argues that it's becoming increasingly difficult to deny humanity's growing influence on a planetary scale. In their paper, they examine the case for change and conclude that it's time to accept the obvious; we are in the Anthropocene.According to the researchers, just about every natural process on the planet now bears a human signature. For example, if you look at the soils, humans are now the dominant force behind changes to physical sedimentation. Dramatic increases in erosion from agriculture, road and urban development and dams have pushed people to be the largest producer of sediment by an order of magnitude over nature.If you look at life on the planet, human activities are causing the extinction of many species, possibly leading to a "major extinction event" that rivals others, such as the demise of the dinosaurs. Humans are also rapidly replacing vast areas of natural vegetation with agricultural crops. As the researchers point out, "These effects are permanent, as future evolution will take place from surviving (and frequently anthropogenically relocated) stocks."So, there you have it – the case for the Anthropocene. We've done it. We've written our name on the wall. We're the king of the hill, lord of the sandbox. We're now the most powerful force of change on the planet, so much so that we actually get our own epoch. A pretty big responsibility for a naked ape that emerged on the plains of Africa only 150,000 years ago.So what now, little human? What now?"

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Yes indeed... in our own special way, we ARE legend. But not as we wish to be... not even close.